When on first mother boards, I was totally baffled by the hostile reaction I would get when I would innocently use the term "birthmother". It still doesn't have the same visceral reaction for me as it does other first mothers. I don't view the term in quite the same way. Even when I attempted to defend my position, and got worked up about it I was told that I was a very angry person and that I was insensitive to other people's feelings. Anyone who actually knows me knows that nothing could be further from the truth.
It took a lot of soul searching, many discussions with my former significant other and much time reading about other people's experiences to realize that, in reality, I was so far from OK with adoption that I wasn't even in the same country, let alone ballpark.
And when the realization hit, it spun me around like a top! I didn't know which way was up for a very long time, and boy, was I ANGRY! Well, maybe it's more accurate to say that I consciously tapped into an anger that I don't think I realized was there. To be sure, I knew I was angry about being put into a place where I felt like I MUST give my eldest son up for adoption. (In other words, MANIPULATED.) I was angry at my eldest son's first father, his parents, my parents, and, I suppose, myself. Many of their reasons were valid in a certain way. A way that echos throughout the last half century or more; too young, can't support, not ready.
It took me longer to realize just how angry I was at simply being adopted. A part of me completely flinched back from the idea of being angry with my own first mother. I honestly never was. Nor was I angry at my adoptive parents. But I was spitting nails furious at the whole adoption process and institution. That social norms and pressures of the time dictated that my first mother was "unfit" merely because of her age made me want to explode with rage. I was denied the right to live my life the way I was supposed to, given to people I would probably have never met in any other circumstances simply because one person was too young and two people couldn't conceive. How DARE they?!?!
During this time, I became vigorously ANTI-ADOPTION. No good could, or even should, become of it. Period, end of story. The only crime that I, my own first mother, and many others had committed was being "too young". And in my case, as with many others, too poor. Baby snatchers, adopters, villains! These were my words for a set of people who were beneath contempt in my book.
My stance softened a little bit by engaging the idea that "foster to adopt" was the only acceptable "adoption solution". Should, for some reason, a parent(s) become unfit, and that child(ren) be removed from their custody and placed into the dubious care of the foster system, eventually leading to the termination of parental rights, that adoption should be strongly encouraged. The foster system is supposed to be a temporary solution, though it's well known that in many cases, it becomes permanent. I'm generally ok with this. I would never want a child to grow up "in the system"; from all accounts, it can be brutal, which sounds like trading one evil for another to me.
Recently, however, my views have been challenged again, and needless to say, I'm not very comfortable with said challenge.
I have become acquainted with, in my experience at least, a unique situation. A woman became pregnant and was planning to have an abortion. Her life was a rather complicated tangle, and she was going to exercise her right over her own body and terminate the pregnancy. A friend of hers since high school intervened and convinced the woman to continue the pregnancy, and she would adopt the child at birth. This child is coming up on her first birthday, and is being raised by the friend as her own; she has adopted.
First off, the woman who did the intervening and convincing is someone I know personally, and like a great deal. She's not a bad person, by any means, and I get the impression that, while probably fertile, would never become pregnant. I don't know enough about her situation to know such personal details, but she did say to me that this child would be her only child.
How can I, in good conscious, rage against the adoption of this child that would otherwise have been aborted? I know the particular dilemmas that both this new mother and young child will face as the girl grows up. But my friend is giving this child a chance to do just that, grow up! Something the girl's first mother was prepared to negate. This child was born with a few special needs; needs that my friend assures me her first family would not have had the emotional or financial, and I suspect in some ways, cultural means to deal with. Yes, I have my issues with adoption, both on an intellectual level and on a personal, emotional level. And this baby will likely grow to have a few issues of her own, regardless of the love and support of her adoptive mother. I've even spoken to her adoptive mother about some of the issues she might be faced with eventually. While not fully aware of each and every issue, she's cognizant enough to understand they will most likely be there and is preparing herself for this possible eventuality by educating herself as much as she can. What more can you ask of a parent?
I've also butted up against the firm opinions of someone raised in the generation before Roe V. Wade in my professional life. This is a case of someone who is friends with someone else whose daughter adopted. I know very little of the situation beyond this; it's an "open adoption". And the person in my professional life is firmly of the opinion that "it's too open of an adoption". I've tried to gently persuade my professional acquaintance of the new realities of adoption, and some of the current trends in the adoption reform movement with little success. My job, literally, hangs on the good opinion of this woman and she is VERY set in her ways. While the reemerging activist in me rails against her conservative, almost ancient, opinions of adoption, I can't very well confront her in any manner about it. If I want to fully immerse myself back into the family preservation movement, I can't afford to lose my job because of one persons opinions. Yet, how can I be an effective activist if I can't face the set in granite views of just one person?
It's a very frustrating position to be in, and one I generally try to avoid actively seeking a conversation over with this person. I suppose it's a matter of boundaries, and I should just keep my current professional life firmly barricaded against my sometimes over zealous personal life.
But in all this, one of the things that has struck me the most is just how many people are involved in some manner with adoption. It's everywhere and you can't get away from it. And while everyone has opinions, they're mostly having to do with towing the party line, even if they don't realize that's exactly what they're doing. So often it seems like an uphill battle and for every step forward, there's a dozen steps back. I know opinions have changed dramatically over the last 40 years concerning adoption. The sheer numbers have dropped in domestic adoptions as to become almost negligible in comparison. And this is a good thing. But it still is a significant part of our culture, accepted in virtually every walk of life in America.
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