The Touch of Adoption; Is No One Immune?

I've found that over the years my opinion on adoption has been rather fluid. For a very long time, I was in the "adoption fog". I would tell anyone who asked that I was adopted, and how happy I was about that. That adoption is a wonderful thing, and that I was chosen. Whenever I told someone that I placed my first son up for adoption, I was praised and lauded. The general opinion was "I did the right thing". And I secretly preened under that praise, while modestly protested how difficult a decision it was. Can we say, "hypocrite"?

When on first mother boards, I was totally baffled by the hostile reaction I would get when I would innocently use the term "birthmother". It still doesn't have the same visceral reaction for me as it does other first mothers. I don't view the term in quite the same way. Even when I attempted to defend my position, and got worked up about it I was told that I was a very angry person and that I was insensitive to other people's feelings. Anyone who actually knows me knows that nothing could be further from the truth.

It took a lot of soul searching, many discussions with my former significant other and much time reading about other people's experiences to realize that, in reality, I was so far from OK with adoption that I wasn't even in the same country, let alone ballpark.

And when the realization hit, it spun me around like a top! I didn't know which way was up for a very long time, and boy, was I ANGRY!  Well, maybe it's more accurate to say that I consciously tapped into an anger that I don't think I realized was there. To be sure, I knew I was angry about being put into a place where I felt like I MUST give my eldest son up for adoption. (In other words, MANIPULATED.) I was angry at my eldest son's first father, his parents, my parents, and, I suppose, myself. Many of their reasons were valid in a certain way. A way that echos throughout the last half century or more; too young, can't support, not ready.

It took me longer to realize just how angry I was at simply being adopted. A part of me completely flinched back from the idea of being angry with my own first mother. I honestly never was. Nor was I angry at my adoptive parents. But I was spitting nails furious at the whole adoption process and institution. That social norms and pressures of the time dictated that my first mother was "unfit" merely because of her age made me want to explode with rage. I was denied the right to live my life the way I was supposed to, given to people I would probably have never met in any other circumstances simply because one person was too young and two people couldn't conceive. How DARE they?!?!

During this time, I became vigorously ANTI-ADOPTION. No good could, or even should, become of it. Period, end of story. The only crime that I, my own first mother, and many others had committed was being "too young". And in my case, as with many others, too poor. Baby snatchers, adopters, villains! These were my words for a set of people who were beneath contempt in my book.

My stance softened a little bit by engaging the idea that "foster to adopt" was the only acceptable "adoption solution". Should, for some reason, a parent(s) become unfit, and that child(ren) be removed from their custody and placed into the dubious care of the foster system, eventually leading to the termination of parental rights, that adoption should be strongly encouraged. The foster system is supposed to be a temporary solution, though it's well known that in many cases, it becomes permanent. I'm generally ok with this. I would never want a child to grow up "in the system"; from all accounts, it can be brutal, which sounds like trading one evil for another to me.

Recently, however, my views have been challenged again, and needless to say, I'm not very comfortable with said challenge. 

I have become acquainted with, in my experience at least, a unique situation. A woman became pregnant and was planning to have an abortion. Her life was a rather complicated tangle, and she was going to exercise her right over her own body and terminate the pregnancy. A friend of hers since high school intervened and convinced the woman to continue the pregnancy, and she would adopt the child at birth. This child is coming up on her first birthday, and is being raised by the friend as her own; she has adopted. 

First off, the woman who did the intervening and convincing is someone I know personally, and like a great deal. She's not a bad person, by any means, and I get the impression that, while probably fertile, would never become pregnant. I don't know enough about her situation to know such personal details, but she did say to me that this child would be her only child.

How can I, in good conscious, rage against the adoption of this child that would otherwise have been aborted? I know the particular dilemmas that both this new mother and young child will face as the girl grows up. But my friend is giving this child a chance to do just that, grow up! Something the girl's first mother was prepared to negate. This child was born with a few special needs; needs that my friend assures me her first family would not have had the emotional or financial, and I suspect in some ways, cultural means to deal with. Yes, I have my issues with adoption, both on an intellectual level and on a personal, emotional level. And this baby will likely grow to have a few issues of her own, regardless of the love and support of her adoptive mother. I've even spoken to her adoptive mother about some of the issues she might be faced with eventually. While not fully aware of each and every issue, she's cognizant enough to understand they will most likely be there and is preparing herself for this possible eventuality by educating herself as much as she can. What more can you ask of a parent?

I've also butted up against the firm opinions of someone raised in the generation before Roe V. Wade in my professional life. This is a case of someone who is friends with someone else whose daughter adopted. I know very little of the situation beyond this; it's an "open adoption". And the person in my professional life is firmly of the opinion that "it's too open of an adoption". I've tried to gently persuade my professional acquaintance of the new realities of adoption, and some of the current trends in the adoption reform movement with little success. My job, literally, hangs on the good opinion of this woman and she is VERY set in her ways. While the reemerging activist in me rails against her conservative, almost ancient, opinions of adoption, I can't very well confront her in any manner about it. If I want to fully immerse myself back into the family preservation movement, I can't afford to lose my job because of one persons opinions. Yet, how can I be an effective activist if I can't face the set in granite views of just one person?

It's a very frustrating position to be in, and one I generally try to avoid actively seeking a conversation over with this person. I suppose it's a matter of boundaries, and I should just keep my current professional life firmly barricaded against my sometimes over zealous personal life.

But in all this, one of the things that has struck me the most is just how many people are involved in some manner with adoption. It's everywhere and you can't get away from it. And while everyone has opinions, they're mostly having to do with towing the party line, even if they don't realize that's exactly what they're doing. So often it seems like an uphill battle and for every step forward, there's a dozen steps back. I know opinions have changed dramatically over the last 40 years concerning adoption. The sheer numbers have dropped in domestic adoptions as to become almost negligible in comparison. And this is a good thing. But it still is a significant part of our culture, accepted in virtually every walk of life in America. 

STOP Stealing Our Thunder!

From blog Script For A Jester's Tear, never posted, originally written March 23, 2010

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I'm not sure why I never posted this to Script. I do know in reading it that I don't think I was finished with the post. Obviously, I never got back to it. In many ways, this is more a rant than my previous blogs; just venting something I was feeling at the time.

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STOP Stealing Our Thunder!

I went to the AAC Conference this past weekend, and I noticed that there was a lot of desire to even out the pain issues between adoptees, first moms and adoptive parents.  That EVERYONE had/has their own pain, and that we should recognize that EVERYONE is allowed their own pain.

While I understand this, and do agree with it to a point, something that overcame me while I went through the conference was that the adoptees are the ONLY people in the triad who were given NO voice in the matter.  And I started thinking, "wait a minute!  Even though we're adults, WE are the ones this thing called adoption was done to!  Why do you have to usurp our pain and make it your own?  Why do you have to make it all about YOU, and not US?"

Why is it SO important that everyone have a piece of this pie?  To me, it marginalizes what adoptees go through.  And while I know this wasn't the intent, this was one of the messages I received at the conference.

I KNOW first moms have their own pain, and I KNOW that infertile couples who adopt have their own pain, and I will never purposefully marginalize their pain, but I just wish they would stop doing it to us in return.

A repost: A Strange Marriage of Ideas

From blog Script For A Jester's Tear, originally posted February 22, 2010

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While this post is more about pregnancy, birth and more gentle ways of parenting, if you will read further, the message will be clear that, for me, there is a very specific reason I include this blog as a repost. 

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A Strange Marriage of Ideas

I have recently found myself in a bit of a conundrum; how do I pull two seemingly disparate passions of mine into one cohesive, integral whole?

My first passion is midwifery, breastfeeding and co-sleeping/sleep sharing.  After I gave birth to my first child, which ended in an emergency C-section, I determined that I wouldn't go into another pregnancy, labor and delivery as blindly as I did the first.  Because adoption was a serious consideration for my first child, I willfully under-educated myself as to what labor and delivery would be like.  I reasoned that women had been having babies for longer than recorded history, so mine will know what to do when the time came.  While I still believe this, I didn't realize at the time that my handicap was the fact that I didn't have a community of women who could give me the knowledge of what to expect, and how to help my body do what it needed to do.  My ignorance caused me to shoot myself in the foot, as ignorance usually will.

When I became pregnant with my second child, I knew I wanted to nurse, and I knew I wanted to have this baby naturally.  For me, one step naturally lead to another.  I contacted my local Le Leche League leader and found that she had just finished her training as a Husband Coached Childbirth (also known as The Bradley Method for Dr. Bradley, the techniques progenitor) instructor and was seeking clients for her first class.  I attended a LLL meeting when I was about 6 months pregnant with my daughter and had my eyes open for the first time.  I was an immediate convert to the beautiful ways of breastfeeding and gently welcoming a child into the world.

And what a world it is!  I credit The Bradley Method for giving my children the best possible entrance into the world, and Le Leche League for supporting breastfeeding exclusively.  While I see breastfeeding as being the best nutrition for a human child (how many babies do YOU see crawling up to a COW to nurse?), studies have show the importance of  mother's milk, and the necessary touching that accompanies nursing, for the vital growth and development of the infant brain.  While I would never call my daughter developmentally delayed, she is behind the curve as far as her peers go in her academic pursuits.  I shudder and cringe to think what may have happened had I been a lazy mother and just propped a bottle in my daughter's mouth and left her in her car seat to feed.  (A sight which enraged me even before becoming pregnant.)

I learned from Darlene and the Le Leche League that it's ok to sleep with your child; you're more in tune with your child and their needs.  While it takes a little time to coordinate, eventually mother and child can learn to nurse laying down, and eventually sleep through night time nursing.  For the first 6 weeks of my daughter's life, I woke up to her needs to nurse, but we practiced nursing laying down.  Finally it just clicked and we began to happily sleep through night time feedings.  That's not to say she didn't breastfeed at night; she did.  We just became so in tune with each other, that it became second nature to maneuver ourselves into just the right position that falling back asleep was the next logical step.

Call me smug, but I always laugh to myself when I hear new parents complain about the night time feedings.  If they only knew how hard they were making it on themselves, they would become fans of nursing and sleep sharing fairly quickly, I think. 

However, it was during the pregnancy of my youngest child that I finally figured out "what I wanted to do when I grew up" (I was 28, by the way).  I wanted to become a midwife.  I wanted to share with other women, expectant mothers, the joy and wonder of bringing a child into the world under her own power, free of hospitals, law suit phobic doctors, and people who thought labor and delivery were medical diseases to be managed instead of natural processes to be celebrated.

My second passion, as anyone already familiar with my blog will know, is the Adoptee Rights Movement and the Family Preservation Movement.  Just read the post prior to this one and I think my positions are fairly clear, and I don't necessarily need to enumerate them again.

Maybe someone reading this will automatically jump to where I did only today, and if you do, bravo, you're smarter than I am (no, for once, I'm NOT being sarcastic).  However, the marriage of these two passions seemed like an unlikely pairing in my head for a while.  Then, during a musing of "if I knew then what I know now", I came upon the solution to my problem.  One of the biggest reasons I caved to the pressure to give my first son up for adoption was financial.  Neither my adoptive parents, nor my boyfriend's parents were willing to help out financially with raising our son.  Both sets of parents had, independent of each other, the same reply, "We've raised our children and we're not interested in raising anymore".  My boyfriend was the only one working between the two of us at that point, and we didn't have the money for formula, diapers, a crib, changing table, etc, et al.  All the traditional accoutrements found in a nursery were beyond our financial capability.  No one ever said to me before my son was born that I could save a great deal of money with simply breastfeeding him.  No one told me that I could share sleep with my son, negating the need for a crib.  No one told me that cloth diapers could save me expenses over disposable diapers.  Those simple things could have saved us thousands of dollars and put us in a better position to keep our son.  If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have inflicted the primal wound on my first son.

NO ONE TOLD ME.

As to how I utilize this knowledge, this new marriage of my passions, I have yet to fully figure out.  I suppose my first step will be posting this blog.  I'll go from there as to how I can bring these strange companions in my head to a useful, helpful way.  Ultimately, I suppose I would like to help young, financially challenged women to see these alternatives that no one else is willing to tell them about.  If I can help just one person keep their child then I'll know that all the pain and sacrifice I've lived through isn't in vain.

A repost: Young, Poor and Pregnant; Reasons to Relinquish?

From blog Script For A Jester's Tear, originally posted February 20, 2010

Young, Poor and Pregnant; Reasons to Relinquish?

Recently I added my first Dad to my Facebook friends list and he's been privy to some of my not so thought through status updates. However, in discussing this with him and my fiance, I have discovered that many of those status updates are merely topic sentences for blogs that I want to start, even if I'm not quite aware of that yet. I think I also need some of the feedback from my Facebook friends that these updates provide in order to clarify my own thoughts on the things I "say".

However, both my first Dad and fiance urged me to make disclaimer statements at the beginning of my "topic sentence" status updates and post the blog link in order to be able to view the entirety of my thought process. While I can't guarantee I'll remember to do that every time, it will be something I will strive for in the future.

Below is the status update that began this discussion.

"As I continue to read The Primal Wound one thing becomes blatantly, brutally obvious to me; it should be a crime to force, coerce, manipulate, cajole, or in anyway separate a child from their mother unless that parent is proven unfit. And it should be severely punishable should a person or persons be found guilty of this act. Adoption has got to be the most unnatural thing one human being can do to another in the name of a child's best interest."

In defense of my first Dad, he isn't a part of the Adoptees Rights Movements, or the Family Preservation Movements and is only just now beginning to be aware of it at all because of his avid interest in me, his daughter. Some things that perhaps might have been obvious to those of my Facebook friends who are intimately involved and aware of my positions wouldn't need any sort of disclaimer, but one of the things that my first Dad brought to my attention is that there may be people who, like him, have no point of reference and could find my statements very confusing.

Some of the salient points I should have clarified sooner are these:

• Who exactly "a person or persons" are.
• The legal status of adoption.
• What constitutes an unfit parent.

I want to address these points now.

When I refer to "a person or persons" I was in fact referring to attorneys or agencies whose sole purpose is the making of money from adoption. I never said adoption should be illegal, but that force and coercion and manipulation in order to obtain a baby for an adopting couple should be illegal. Informed consent is required for every single medical procedure we have; a doctor is obligated by law to give all the information about said procedure and the alternatives to the patient, yet there is nothing in place to keep an attorney or an agency from outright lying to a woman who is considering adoption and to me, that is plain wrong. While placing a child for adoption isn't technically a medical procedure, it is a life altering event for the surrendering mother, the child and the adopting parents. To be less than fully informed is, in my opinion, a criminal act. In the system we have today, adoption is a money making industry, motivated by greed, not good will, on the part of the vast majority of agencies and attorneys. It's not in the agencies or attorneys best interest to give a woman who is considering adoption all the information that is available on the repercussions of adoption on all members of the triad. Those people understand that should a woman be given this information, she will likely chose another option for her child, and they can kiss the money goodbye.

As for teen parents, their youth should not make them automatically unfit. I believe we need a movement in this country to keep the children of these teens at least within the biological family, should a teen mother and/or teen father prove unable to care for the child. Placing a baby with strangers doesn't help the child, no matter how loving, caring and attentive those strangers may be.

Some simple definitions of an unfit parent would include neglect, abuse (physical, emotional, mental), drug abuse. There are other definitions of "unfit", of course, but, that would be up to a judge to determine, using the law as precedent.

Financial abuse is a trickier situation, generally speaking. There are millions of children in this country alone who don't have health insurance. I'm ambivalent about this being an abusive situation; one, because we do have access to emergency rooms that by law must treat patients who seek treatment (and should the child need to be admitted to the hospital, there are financial alternatives that most hospitals offer for payment, either through medicare or payment plans), and two, because for things like immunizations there are free clinics in just about every community that a parent can take their child to. It was stated in a conference on adoption at the White House in the early 1900's that poverty is NOT an adequate reason to remove children from their families. Another thing to consider for financial "abuse" are that there are a great many community, private outreach programs designed to assist poorer families.

As for who is a better parent, according to The Primal Wound (and frankly, common sense) there are natural processes that a woman goes through during a pregnancy that does enable her to be the best parent to her child. Societal pressures are the factors from keeping that woman from fulfilling the imperative nature has provided. An adoptive mother hasn't gone through the 9 months of pregnancy that will make her uniquely able to care for that child. Can prospective adoptive parents provide a more financially stable environment? Perhaps, but as I stated earlier, I don't believe that poverty is a sufficient reason to take a child from it's mother. And that mother and child do not necessarily have to rely on tax payer money in order to survive.

Additionally, our society has a tendency to view a young pregnant woman in a static position. They see her as forever being young, immature and unable to provide for her offspring. This is an incredibly narrow view point, very limiting, imposing a certain set of criteria upon that person that common sense must dictate as purely illogical. One of the primary reasons why many prospective adoptive parents want an infant is because we know that babies grow incredibly fast, and are soon out of infancy. Humans grow. They grow up, get older, wiser, more mature. Of course not everyone does, however, telling a young, financially challenged woman that she cannot care for her child because of these very transitory situations in life is to risk creating in that person a mind set that, as soon as she signs the papers, becomes reality instead of only a possibility. Youth and poverty are not permanent. But when a woman is coerced into handing her child over to an eager, infertile couple, society has stated that woman will forever be a child, incapable of taking care of her child, establishing a destructive pattern of behavior in her that will keep a part of her forever that age when she relinquished, and even sadder, can cause so much damage as to compel the young woman to sabotage any efforts or attempts at creating a better life for herself.

Additionally, as the child grows, he or she can inevitably experience these exact same situations. Where the birth mother was unworthy to parent, the child was unworthy to be parented by their biological family. When one feels unworthy, there is no desire to better oneself. It can turn into a self perpetuating cycle to the point where the child turns into a birth parent themselves.

We regularly prosecute people for coercion, manipulation and force when these methods deprive another of health, happiness and well being; however, when done in the name of "the best interest of the child" we excuse the behavior, even if studies have shown time and again that adoption isn't always in the best interest of the child. Its criminal to leave a child in the hands of a parent who is patently unfit. Why then is it encouraged to take a child from a fit parent simply because of transitory situations in life?

A repost: My First Encounter With an Angry Adoptive Parent

From blog Script For A Jester's Tear, originally posted February 4, 2010

My First Encounter With an Angry Adoptive Parent

On January 1, 2010 I posted in my status update on Facebook this statement:

"Warning: this status update could be construed as offensive. To all those infertile couples out there who think adoption is a good solution, did you maybe consider that God made you infertile ON PURPOSE?!? Maybe you're not MEANT to parent?!?"

A month later, February 1, 2010, I received in my inbox on Facebook the following private message. My reply is below. I have yet to receive an answering message in return. Please note that the names of the letter writer and his wife are deleted out by my choice to protect their privacy, since they privately messaged me. While I understand that simply posting this to my blog may seem contrary to the spirit of privacy the letter writer intended, I feel that the points she makes and I rebut should be made public in order to help all in the Adoption Triad understand the difficulties in communication on all three sides of the triangle.

"you don't know me but I am Xxxxx' wife. I feel since you are putting your feelings out in a public forum that I can do the same, but a little more tastefully than you.
We respect anyone for having passion about what they believe in but we are very offended about your comment regarding people who can't have children naturally not being meant to have a child, through adoption either. I am unable to have children but i don't believe God would want me to let that get in the way of sharing our good values, morals and unending amount of love to a child who needs it. Anyone can give birth to a child but it doesn't earn then the right to be called a parent....you earn that title.
Xxxxx is the greatest father to our adopted son and I can't imagine our son missing out on that just to stay with his abusive, gang member, drug using birth mother who us tax paying citizens are paying for because she is in jail.
We feel very sad for you. you sound like a very bitter person with lots of issues and maybe you need to take some of your own advise, when you made the idiotic statement about God not giving some people the ability to have children because you are not meant to have have children.....well did you ever stop to think that maybe God doesn't want your birth parents to know you or that maybe you don't deserve to know them!
just putting our feelings out there also."

My Response:

"Dear Mrs. Xxxxxxxx,

I appreciate that my comment was offensive, generally speaking. I was venting some of my feelings in as safe a public forum for me as possible. My comment was not directly aimed AT you. The anger you sense in me is from the community at large believing that simply because a woman is poor and/or young that she will make a bad mother. Being poor and being young are not crimes, nor are they permanent situations in life. This country has a love affair with adoption that sickens me because of the sense of entitlement many prospective adoptive parents feel concerning young and poor pregnant women. There is a broad paint brush sweeping type attitude that if you are either of these things, then automatically you should not, cannot mother your child; and to me, that is plain wrong.

When Xxxxx added me as a friend, I looked through his pictures, and saw the photos that were taken of the official adoption of your son, and I was happy for him, and for you and your son. It looked like a very happy day for your family. I will admit that I was under the impression that your son was biologically yours, Mrs. Xxxxxxxx, but for some reason his biological father wasn't in the picture and Xxxxx stepped in. I was unaware that you were unable to have children biologically.

I understand that not every single person who has a child, biologically speaking, is capable or fit to raise that child. I feel very badly that your son has a birth mother who is a burden on our society, but I am pleased to know that he has adoptive parents who love him, care for him, and are providing a warm and secure home. That's what ever child deserves.

That being said, not every child who grows up in an adoptive home has the benefits that you are providing for your son. I am a survivor of incest from a very early age for many years by my adoptive brother. Does incest happen in biological families? Of course, so I understand that simply because I'm adopted that doesn't make my situation unique to adoption. It is what it is.

As far as "tasteful" goes, if you read my status update saying that, you may have read the replies to it and there are many of my Facebook friends that feel the same way I do, and in fact feel even stronger about it than I. That same week I posted in my status a question about what my FB friend's general opinion was of step parents adopting their spouse's children, and got very much the same response as the original post. However, I would love to see my fiance adopt my children from another marriage because he is more of a father to my kids than the man who provided the sperm for them.

I cannot, however, agree with your belief that "you earn that title" as far as being a parent goes. My next statement will more than likely be viewed as offensive, though it is not intended as such; however, I have found that the majority of people who make that statement are adoptive parents who are insecure due to their lack of inability to biologically procreate. When I say that, these are my experiences, nothing more, nothing less. That being said, not only am I an adopted person, but I am also a birth mother. I was a mother the moment I found out I was pregnant with my first son. You wouldn't tell a woman who had a miscarriage that she was never a mother. You would sympathize with her loss, grieve with her, and offer your condolence, but you would never be so rude as to say that she was never a mother. So why is it any different than a woman who lost a child to adoption? I carried my son for over nine months in my body; I loved him, cherished him, nurtured him with my own body. I cared for him when we were in the hospital while I recovered from my c-section. I agonized over what would be the best choice for him; raising him or to place him for adoption. How are my feelings any less than yours as a mother of an adopted child? Does the fact that I was manipulated into giving my ONLY flesh and blood up for adoption mean that I wasn't a mother?

Perhaps to you it does. But to me and to literally millions of other women, it doesn't. We ARE mothers. We are mothers who LOST our children to adoption. Do we grieve any less than the mother who had a miscarriage? NO. But by societies standards and expectations, we are not allowed to grieve our loss. We are told that you should just get on with your life, you did the noble deed, you gave the gift of life. Collectively, that's a slap in the face of each one of us because you can't carry a life inside of you for that long and just walk away with no repercussions. Children are not gifts to give away.

Does this make me bitter? To some extent, it does, because giving my child to another couple to raise was the worst decision of my life. It was the best decision for my son, but on a purely selfish note, that doesn't help me one bit. I am overjoyed that my son was raised in a household that could afford two houses, vacations all over the country every year, a private school. These were things that I couldn't give my son at that time in my life. He is one of the lucky adoptees because he had these material things as well as a wealth of love. That doesn't mean that I didn't love him with all my heart, and that doesn't mean that I would have been a bad mother. I was simply a young, poor mother.

Beyond that, I'm not a bitter person, regardless of what you interpret from what you read in just my status updates. I am a very happy, passionate person who is full of love and joy and wonderment at the world around her, especially with my children that I've been blessed enough to raise.

All that aside, I have a few last things I would like to say. I would strongly urge you to research "the other side of adoption"; educate yourselves with books like "The Primal Wound", "The Girls Who Went Away", and "Not Remembered, Never Forgotten". Please take the time to find out about specific issues concerning adopted children and the trauma adoption can cause. I urge you to do this for your son's sake. He may have questions, concerns that you simply cannot be aware of unless you have educated yourself in these matters. It will strengthen the bond you and your son have. Not every child experiences adoption trauma in the same way, some may never even experience the trauma. But it would be better to aware of the possibility that it may arise, rather than be caught unawares.

I realize, for the most part, that you are simply regurgitating my words back at me due to the pain you allowed them to cause yourself, but my reply to you is that every child, every person deserves to know where they come from. They deserve to know their genetic heritage, their cultural heritage, their medical background, and the people they come from (extending beyond abusive parents to generations preceding them). So, yes, I deserve to know my birth parents. And if God didn't want me to know my birth parents, then I wouldn't have found them. But find them I did, and they love me and accept me and welcome me with open arms.

The last thing is, I never wrote that comment/status update to offend you specifically. However, you took it personally, and directly attacked me instead of explaining your position and asking me for a clarification of mine. If you wish to continue a conversation in a civilized manner, I welcome the chance. But I will not allow myself to be directly attacked in this manner again, especially over a comment that was a very sweeping generalization in a forum that is my "safe place". I do apologize if my comment invaded your "safe place" because that was not my intention, but I do not apologize for my comment. If Xxxxx wishes to block me from his friends list, that is his prerogative, and I won't argue with it. I have fond memories of Xxxxx from high school. He was one of the few people I knew during high school that was always nice to everyone, never had a harsh word, and was fun to be around. Nothing can change my memory of him that way. But I'm a grown woman that doesn't need to hang on to old high school memories in order to fulfill my life now.

I wish your family all the happiness, blessings and joys that life can bring.

Warm Regards, "

And I signed my full name.

Due to the nature of the people who are on my list of friends on Facebook, the comments to my original status update were overwhelmingly supportive of my statement. However, I will only post my replies to my friends comments in an effort to maintain my friend's privacy. The reason I am re-posting these are to illustrate the seeming fact that the original letter writer chose not to further read, and thus making the mistake of achieving full understanding of my true position regarding the place of infertile couples in the role of adoption. On four separate occasions during the time that status update was there, not only did I state I was venting, but also that there ARE terrific adoptive parents in the world; and I posted at least twice that I was NOT specifically speaking to any one single person or couple.

comment 1)

"Even if my group of friends is a closed group, I had to say this at least once, publicly, "out loud" if you will. I really don't want to offend anyone, and I know this could be considered really, really rude, but it is honestly how I feel. I won't apologize for how I feel, but I will apologize if this hurt "your" (anyone who thought it was rude) feelings. That's not my intentions. I just felt I had to get it out."

comment 2)

"I know there are terrific adoptive parents "out there", and I completely understand their desire to have children any way they can. I just can't help but feel there's a reason why they're infertile."

comment 3)

"SVA:

I've always said: "you have to have a license to drive a car... you should have to have one to raise a child."

Me:

I won't argue that some people wouldn't benefit from that! And that there are some people who have children that just shouldn't have ever become parents. That's not my decision to make, tho. I'm just venting a bit right now."

comment 4)

"I hope you read my subsequent posts (and it looks like you and I posted at the same time, but I'll restate it here; I am mostly just venting). I KNOW it is offensive, and I DO feel sorry for people that struggle with infertility. And I DO know that there are terrific, wonderful adoptive parents out there and horrible, awful natural parents out there.

And ultimately, it isn't MY decision one way or the other. Plus, I cannot dictate to people how to live their lives. I KNOW that.

MY anger comes in where couples that want to adopt begin to take on this attitude that they're ENTITLED to someone elses child simply because that person is poor and single. And as they go along in this suffering through infertility, all they begin to see is all these horrible unwed mother's who abuse their children...and they see NOTHING ELSE.

Mostly, what I needed to do was to "vomit" this out; get it out of my system. While this wasn't a "knee jerk" reaction to those types of people, it IS the other extreme to those couples who see young, poor pregnant women as incubators.

I'm not aiming that comment to any one specific person, so I hope you can step back from this and see it in how I explained. As I said previously, I won't apologize for how I feel, but I am sorry if I hurt someone else's feelings. My intent wasn't to offend, merely to vent."

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An small update: I never got a reply to this letter.

A repost: I've Come A Long Way, Baby (a repost of a repost)

From blog Script For A Jester's Tear, originally posted January 29, 2010

I've Come A Long Way, Baby

Below is something I wrote just two short years ago. I still have some of the same feelings about my son's adoptive mother. I think it is obvious that I was moving through the adoption fog, but I was still deeply ensconced closer to the other side of things than I am now.

Enjoy, and please don't laugh too hard. ;)

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January 22, 2008

I recently contacted my son that I gave up for adoption 19 years ago and have yet to receive a reply. I'm good with this. The entire situation is overwhelming, to say the least. I can wait.

But that's not what this blog is for; it's only the catalyst that has spurred my musings. I've read and seen and heard a lot about "birth mothers" and all the other terms that are given to women who have signed papers to relinquish their parental rights.

I recently came across this quote that I can't get out of my head. It's not that I embrace this view point, but there are some very specific points it makes that have made me think.

"Exiled mother: A natural mother who has lost her child to adoption solely because of her age and/or lack of support, information or resources. An unrecognized mother, she has been thrown away, banished and discarded by her parents, the adoption industry and society, who deemed her unworthy to raise her own child. "

First, I don't consider the woman who adopted my son to be "unnatural". I met her. She was as human as I am. What makes ME natural and HER unnatural? I'm perhaps the FIRST mother, but that doesn't make me MORE natural. If it did, would that mean that I'm SUPERNATURAL?

Second, "lost her child"...hmmmm...I knew where my son was after we were released from the hospital, prior to signing the papers. Up until then, I had every right (by law, until I signed papers saying I was no longer legally a parent) to see my son. I didn't misplace him. And while I may not have known exactly where he was his entire life, I didn't LOSE him.

Third, yeah, I was placed into a position by my family, my son's father's family and what seemed to be society in general to put my son up for adoption. I felt maneuvered. Not by this supposedly all powerful "Adoption Industry", but by those around me whom I needed support from the most, and who abandoned me in my biggest time of need.

Fourth, “An unrecognized mother”: Ok, this is right on the money. I spent years without my son, and if I ever talked about him (and when I made friends, or even just chatting it up with someone, I talked A LOT about him), it was difficult to explain what happened. It’s different than it was when I was adopted. In 1969 people still had some of the “unwed mother” prejudice in place. It is suspected that my birth mother more than likely was made to move to the Sacramento area to have me. So, there must have been a lot of shame in her family concerning me. But in 1989, “things were different”, I had other options. Heh, see the third explanation. Some options. Back to the point; I WAS unrecognized! One thing I will agree with is that adoption has made me a first class liar. When asked how many children I have, my knee jerk reaction is 2. But I don’t have just 2 children. I have 3 children.

Fifth; ...and society, who deemed her unworthy to raise her own child.” Yeah, got a lot of issues here, too. I was unworthy on so many levels. Unworthy to be a wife to my son’s father (after the adoption we were married; however, his family strongly disapproved of me for getting Mark “into trouble”. That marriage was doomed.) I was unworthy of being my son’s mother by so many people. In short, it left me feeling like a totally unworthy human being. Within the three months of relinquishing Andrew/Timothy for adoption I sunk into an abject misery. Looking back at it now, I was clinically depressed. I eventually yanked myself up by my boot straps and got myself out of it, but I did just about everything known to man to self destruct. I wasn’t worthy to be a human, so why should I remain in this life? I’ve always felt that suicide was wrong (that’s a different blog), but I sure did one hell of a job to get there anyway. Just not consciously, that’s all.

While I don’t agree with the extreme group that claims the “Adoption Industry” is just waiting on baited breath to snatch single, pregnant women off the streets just to give privileged white infertile couples babies, there is an interesting, prevailing attitude in this society that I think very few people are aware of; and that pregnancy is a disease that we need to cure women of. This attitude is so prevalent on so many levels its sickening! There’s a strong push to separate mothers and children, even when the pregnancy is planned! (I have a whole other soap box dedicated to that particular subject). This attitude is subtle, but everywhere and most people don’t even realize they embrace it whole heartedly.

I guess we can thank our Puritan beginnings. I think they’d be proud of the influence they still wield even after 400 years.

From blog Script For A Jester's Tear, originally posted January 28, 2010

A Question Posed

Recently, on Facebook, a friend asked me if I'm anti-adoption. Below is the rather lengthy, long winded reply I sent to her in a private message. I think it delineates my feelings succinctly.

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I just wanted to reply in this forum to your "personal question". Most of my FB friends have a good bead on my feelings about adoption, so it's not a "hiding my opinion" from them. I just didn't want any post to get lost in the shuffle, so to speak.

Yes, I am anti-adoption. Let me explain further before I go into why I am anti-adoption.

I am both an adopted person and a birth mother. I use the term, "birth mother" for those that aren't as familiar with other terms. Many preferences are first mom, natural mom or just mom. However, considering the nature of adoption, labels become necessary. The vast majority of "birth mothers" I know simply would prefer to call themselves what nature made us, moms. It took a long time for me to come around to this point of view, and I'm not nearly as offended by the term birth mother as others are. The reasons for this are due to my passion for midwifery, and the term birth doesn't have nearly the negative meaning for me as it does many other women. For many women that lost children to adoption, the term birth mother is derogatory, nearly as much as saying the "N" word to a person of African/American descent. The term itself was created by an adoptive mother, made to replace the term "natural mother" in adoption lingo. It made adoptive mothers feel bad. For many women who lost children to adoption, the feelings of the adoptive mother don't mean a whole lot to them. Using the term "birth mother" tends to make "us" feel as if we were only breeders, incubators, and that's simply not the case. In any other circumstance, the vast majority of first moms would have parented their children instead.

Now, as to why I'm anti-adoption.

Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Adoption in this country used to be for placing children into a warm, loving, secure environment when their families no longer existed. In other words, adoption was originally meant for orphan children. It has changed since World War 2 into providing infertile couples with children. Basically, the focus changed, shifted from the child to the adults. And this being a strong capitalist society where if there's enough of a demand, someone, somewhere will find a supply. (Just as a side, I believe in our capitalist society; I didn't want that coming out like I'm anti-American. I'm NOT! I've very patriotic.) To further illustrate the supply and demand theory of infertile couple based adoptions, it is important to point out that only the people who could afford to pay for the home studies, attorney fees and/or agency fees would be able to adopt. If the infertile couple were poor, well then, they wouldn't be raising children.

Because of this, an industry popped up around adoption that today spends on the order of $3 Billion a year to keep going. In an effort to supply the huge demand for babies, a great deal of study, time, effort and money have been put into figuring out how best to make adoption palatable to poor, single women. Since our society has turned away from the shame based adoption (telling single young women that they're not good enough to parent), adoptions have gone down in drastic numbers, domestically at least. That's why you see so many people turn to international adoption. Now, poverty is the key to making young mothers hand their children over. However, the adoption industry has made concerted efforts into ensuring the young mom that she isn't shamed into the decision (at least on the surface), but instead telling her that her child will be so proud of her when she "makes something of herself" (gets that high school diploma or college degree and gets a good job).

All the while, this attitude perpetuates in our society the idea that the woman who placed a child for adoption just wanted to be loose, carefree and "go on with her life", when for the most part, nothing could be further from the truth. This continues to make "birth mothers" stigmatized. Once we were immoral sluts who couldn't keep her legs together, now we're poor immoral sluts who just want to keep having a good time.

As I said in the beginning, adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. A poor, young mother isn't always going to be young and doesn't always have to be poor. We have so many options in this society, that youth and poverty are simply excuses to obtain a healthy infant to place into the awaiting arms of an infertile couple.

That said, I understand that some of those poor, young mothers do a horrible job. In this country, we are innocent until proven guilty, and we cannot simply take a child away from a mother because of her youth or economic status. That being said, the mother who allows herself to become mired in a bad situation (drugs, abusive relationships, neglect of the child), and becomes an unfit parent, placement of a child or children into a warm, loving stable home in a foster to adopt is sometimes the best solution for the children; but should only be looked at as a last option.

I don't hate that I was adopted. My first mom and dad would have never married, my first mom was 17 when I was born, and was told by her father when she was pregnant with me that she ruined his life. She was maneuvered into placing me for adoption, but I don't think she saw much option in the long run. For the most part, I love my adoptive family (though, if you read in my notes section "The Story So Far", you'll see that my life has been far from idyllic.) My adoptive parents did the best they could with what they had/knew. Even if my adoptive father was a psychologist, he really didn't have a good bead on the trauma of an adopted child and the gratitude and perfection that child unconsciously takes upon themselves. So, my adoptive parents really did do the best they could.

As for placing my son for adoption, all I can say is that for me it was the worst decision of my life at the same time, perhaps being the best decision for my son. But to be honest, I'll never know, because I too was maneuvered into placing my first born for adoption. I'm frequently praised by my noble, selfless act and that I should feel proud of myself for placing my son for adoption. All I feel like is a failure as a mother because I didn't fight to keep my son with me where he belonged and now my first born treats me with indifference because he doesn't understand how painful my life has been without him.

I hope I didn't bore you to tears. I hope I didn't make you angry, or hurt your feelings, because that wasn't my intention. These are the reasons I am anti-adoption. For many women, it is a horrible, painful scar that never goes away, even with reunion. It is for me.

A repost: Made the Change (What's in a Name)

From blog Script For A Jester's Tear, originally posted January 20, 2010

Made the Change (What's in a Name)

Ok...I decided that I would change my "name" on my blog to Baby Girl Williams/Morse. While that isn't what appears on my birth certificate, it does honor my true biological father. I don't think it sounds as good as Williams/Hernandez, but then again I've only known about my biological father's name for a little over a week now, so it'll take some time to get used to it. I had about 15 years to get used to the other one, so I'll give it some time.

Since I don't actually plan on legally changing my name from what my adoptive parents named me (barring my wedding, of course), there are little ways I can honor my first parents, and I think this is a good way of starting.

That being said, I really DO like the name Danielle Williams-Morse. There is a part of me that is that person, and always has been, I just didn't realize it until Jan 11, 2010. And I'm the one that puts the hyphen in the last names. I suppose that for me, especially since I don't have a "given" (by my first parents) middle name, I could even call myself Spot. But this is a way, also, to give a nod to what my first mom called me during her pregnancy with me, and to honor my first dad, too. I don't think my first mom would mind.

Though, this does put in my mind the funny nature of names. My adoptive mother wanted to name me Paige, but my adoptive father and adoptive brother kept calling me Dana (that's the way my a-mom says it anyway) :) What blows me away is just how close Dana is to Danielle. I never really liked the name Dana. I don't know if this is an adoptee thing or just a person thing. I hear off and on from my children that they don't like a portion of their name. I think perhaps, like I read on another blog recently, that a person's name has more to do with their parents than with them. I agree with that sentiment to an extent. It certainly seems to fit my circumstance, however there are just some people that seem to "fit" their names better than others. I rather envy those people that confidence. The ironic thing is that I've always loved the name Daniel and Danielle. I like to think that my nickname growing up would have been Dani. Ironically, the pet name my a-dad gave me was Dane-ee (I spelled it phonetically so as to get the right sound across). Those aren't that far apart in sound, really. And my a-dad was the only one who ever called me that, too. I don't recall my a-mom calling me that.

But to me, for me, someone who doesn't believe in coincidence, I see that my a-dad, imperfectly, mind you, managed to tap into some collective sub-conscious when he named me Dana. My a-dad has had all sorts of interesting "otherly" type experiences, and I think this is one of them.

In the end, everyone knows me as Dana, my a-parents, my kids, my fiance...everyone. I will always keep tucked safely away, deep in my heart, the name Danielle, though. And while the name isn't overly uncommon, it's still MINE; something my first mom called me in her secret heart of hearts during the nine months we shared together.

A repost: The Last Search

From blog Script For A Jester's Tear, originally posted January 19, 2010

The Last Search

Sometime around the middle of November I decided to take up the search for my first parents again with the help of a search angel in Hawaii. I started "at the beginning", pulling up "Williams of Unusual Names" from a California Birth Index type site. Unfortunately, this site didn't list mother's maiden names for individual births, so I was unable to match up "Williams of Unusual Names" with any birth of a female Williams between July 1951 and July 1952. So, I contacted my Hawaiian search angel, sent her the list I had created, and told her the situation.

My Hawaiian search angel, Mary, began to work on eliminating possibilities. Through a poor internet connection and some personal family drama, she continued to search diligently.

In the meantime, feeling fairly useless, I spent a few Sundays at the Sacramento City Public Library pouring over city directories. One of the assumptions I was going off of was that my birth mother, whom I knew was sent to Sacramento in order to give birth to me, lived with her brother. I was fairly convinced of this, even though my adoptive parents had commented they thought she'd come to live with her sister. So I focused on her eldest brother, who was listed as a computer programmer. I think perhaps why I chose to search in that direction is because I had no idea if her sister was married, what school her sister went to (she was listed as a student), or any useful information to help with my search. A computer programmer in 1969 would have been very unusual, and something that would stand out.

I took copious notes, and made photocopies of the pages and pages of Williams listed in the city directories. My search was further compounded by the fact that Sacramento not only had a city directory, but occasionally and city directory for the suburban areas of Sacramento. So instead of just one city directory for any given year, I had to search through or photocopy two city directories. From those notes and photocopies, I eliminated names, and came up with some more lists for Mary to winnow through.

Thanksgiving rolled around and I had to shelve the search until the end of the holiday. I knew that by that time, I was putting a lot of emotional energy into the search, and needed a break. I knew Mary needed a break, too, and was very happy to give it to her. I won't say that I wasn't frustrated with waiting, but a burned out search angel doesn't do anyone any good.

After Thanksgiving, Mary and I continued to work together on our list. She would send me the names she had eliminated, give me progress reports on what she was doing and make suggestions as to what I could do next. One of these suggestions was to try to contact someone who could do city directory searches for Ventura County. Another of my possible clues was something my parents told me. They recalled a conversation with the social worker who was handling my adoption. During this conversation she said something that made my parents think of the Santa Paula/Oxnard area. Both of my adoptive parents are from Southern California, and something about that comment made their minds turn towards that area of the state.

I had recently updated my contact information at an adoption registry site that I knew had a large group of search angels. After that update, I did get some e-mails making suggestions as to what to do next in my search. When Mary made the suggestion to find someone to go through city directories for that county, I e-mailed that adoption registry for that request. Unfortunately, I only confused people, and didn't follow up on an attempt at clarification.

One problem with the electronic medium of the internet is that it's difficult to gauge someones reaction. I perceived their reaction as negative, and dismissive.

From there, I reactivated my account with a Yahoo group of search angels and requested a city directory search for Santa Paula and Oxnard. During this time, I also contacted the genealogical group in Ventura County and the Ventura County Library, requesting any look ups they could conduct. By this time, it's nearly Christmas break. By the time I contacted a librarian at Ventura County Library; however, due to the nature of the request, and the fact that this librarian was taking a vacation to coincide with Christmas break, I was unable to make much headway there. The lady that answered my request for look ups for the Ventura Genealogical Society was very friendly, but not able to directly help me. She did point to some other members of the Society, but suggested I wait until after the holidays to contact them.

Noticing that I wasn't getting a lot of suggestions from the rest of the group, the co-owner of Soaring Angels began to ask me questions about what I'd done with my search so far and to make suggestions to me that I could do from home. One day towards the end of Christmas break, she e-mailed me with another list of "Williams of Unusual Name" that I didn't find in my psudo CBI. I promptly sent this list onto my Hawaiian search angel. However, the co-owner of Soaring Angels decided to do a little name eliminating herself. She would update me regularly with her progress, which in my opinion was simply amazing.

Then disaster struck. The first week of the new year, both of my search angels told me, on the same day, that they couldn't continue working on my search. I was devastated, but since I sincerely believe that family comes first and knowing it would be completely selfish to whine or complain, I told my angels to focus on their families. On top of that, there are so many wonderful search angels in the adoption community that I was confident that I could get my search back on track. I requested each lady send me a synopsis of what they'd done so far so that I could share that with any further search angels.

I was in limbo for a few days as to what to do next. I needed to wait until my two former search angels were able to send me the requested information, and since the family matters were so pressing, I didn't feel right about pushing my suit.

Then on January 10, I woke up from a dream that I'd made a Facebook group and named it "Please Help Me Find My Birth Family". Wondering why I hadn't done this sooner, I went to work on creating that group. Within about a day, I had over 100 members in my group. To say that I was stunned by the reception would be an understatement. I was hoping for a large reception, but I really didn't expect it. My theory was the "six degrees of separation" theory. I figured that if my friends joined the group and then invited their friends, who in turn would invite theirs, that someone somewhere would be THE ONE who would be key to unlocking the secret to finding my birth family. I also figured that someone out there had to somehow be connected to my birth family.

The next day, Monday January 11, I turn the computer on, hook up to the internet and check my e-mail and Facebook page, as well as check out my group. I noticed right away in my inbox that someone had e-mailed me with the subject line "Your 1st Mother". I was initially skeptical, believing that this person was probably a paid searcher, so I put off opening the e-mail, and focuses on my Facebook stuff. After about a half hour or so, I opened that fated e-mail.

It wasn't a paid searcher. A lady named Hanne told me that she did a search on Adoption.com and came up with a hit. She listed her phone number and asked me to call her right away. I was stunned. I had registered on Adoption.com nearly 10 years ago, and would sporadically check the status, but never found anything. I called her and she walked me through the process of pulling up the correct information. What she explained to me was that when she input a name along with my birthdate, gender and place of birth, no matches came up; which was exactly what I'd been doing for years. Instead, she went simple, and kept out a name. That's when she got the hit.

Following her directions, I got the same hit and saw for the first time my birth mother's name.

Hanne had already called the phone number listed and found it to be out of date, and recently reassigned. I was only slightly discouraged, though. I finally had a name that I could send out to the search angel groups. However, I didn't have to do that. Hanne did a search for the name listed on the post and was able to give me an address and phone number.

Now, knowing that this information could be old, too, I still went ahead and wrote to my search angel group to confirm the look up. I also posted to my Facebook group, and immediately got responses from my friends and members of the group. I anxiously waited for someone from Soaring Angels to return with some information on this name. I even made some attempts to verify her information, and continued to come up with the information Hanne originally gave me. Feeling very frustrated about this, I checked back on my group and found that one of my long time on line friends made the offer of paying for a one time search for the accurate information, and sent me his phone number.

So, I called Jeff, and we talked for about a half hour. I deeply appreciated the offer, but for some reason I didn't feel compelled to take him up on it. Through talking to him, I was able to calm down and made the decision to call the number that Hanne initially gave me. While I was still on the phone with Jeff, I mentioned that I had no idea how to proceed with the conversation. Jeff then pulled a book out that dealt with first contact and read to me the script that is suggested. I took notes, and steeled my nerves and rang off with Jeff.

In the meantime, another search angel that had been helping me on the side sent me a link to a very similar (if not the same) script. I glanced over it, but I was comfortable with what I had. I gathered a pen and a note book, the paper with the address and phone number, and my script and called.

Later, my fiance Ron, told me that he wanted to make sure he was right there for me when I made the call. I had mentioned to Jeff that I didn't think I would break down or cry when he suggested that I be sitting when I made the call. When I had the initial phone call from my son lost to adoption, I never cried during the call. I felt confident that I wouldn't break down. I didn't the first time, why would it happen now? Of course what I failed to remember, and what Ron pointed out to me, was the time before I first called my son; I was a nervous wreck waiting for my son to respond to my e-mail.

One of the points the script makes is to remember to be polite and ask if this is a good time to talk and to give your name at the outset. Well, I remembered the first part, but forgot to give my first name. I did follow the script, however, and ask for her name, and if she was involved in an adoption in 1969. She said yes, and asked who I was. I think I apologized, and told her my name. She thought I'd said Danielle, though given my name, I can see why she thought that. However, the reason she thought I said Danielle was because that was the name she called me when she was pregnant with me. I proceeded to give her my birthdate and started to tell her where I was born, but she finished for me.

I knew in that instant that Mary Rue was my first mother.

A repost: Name Quandary

From blog Script For A Jester's Tear, originally posted January 18, 2010

Name Quandary

For at least the last 15 or so years, I've always believed that my birth father's surname was Hernandez. After speaking with my birth mother, I now know that my birth father's surname is Morse. However, Hernandez IS what appears on my original birth certificate.

So, my quandary is this; I've put out there as my blogger name Baby Girl Williams/Hernandez, when in fact, I'm Baby Girl Williams/Morse, or Danielle Williams-Morse (no middle name).

So...what do I go by?

If I stick with Baby Girl Williams/Hernandez, it's legally accurate. However, I used that as a deliberately emotional moniker. Additionally, I'm no longer "just" Baby Girl. I have a name. But in gaining a name, have I lost a foothold on my "place" in the adoption reform movement? Probably not...at least not by the standards of those I care about in the movement, but is this something that I needed in my psyche? Is this something that I feel I should hold onto because it defines who I am?

A repost: The Search Has Come to an End, with an update

From blog Script For A Jester's Tear, originally posted January 18, 2010

The Search Has Come to an End

Below are two posts that I made to my Facebook group "Please Help Me Find My Birth Family" and in my notes section on my personal page.

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I woke up on Sunday (January 10,2010) from a dream that I should make a FB group called "Please Help Me Find My Birth Family". Well, I made it and sent out invites to all my friends, and asked they send invites to all THEIR friends. My reasoning was that, with the 6 degrees of separation theory, SOMEONE had to either know her or would have the KEY idea of finding her.

Monday when I checked my e-mail, someone who was on the group sent me an e-mail with the title "I think I found your natural mom". When I read it, she said to call her, and gave me her number. I must say that my first suspicions were that she was a paid searcher (sorry Hanne), so I put off calling her for a bit, until after I'd checked all my e-mail and messages, and checked in with my group.

When I finally called her, she said that she found a posting on Adoption.com. She walked me through what she did, and I found the same listing!!! What drives me up the wall, and there's NOTHING I can do about it, is I'm already ON Adoption.com, and have been since 1999-2000 time frame. My mom posted her's in 2005, and for some reason couldn't find my listing. VERY strange. ~I~ could still find my listing, though.

So, one thing and another, and Hanne and I are talking and she comes up with an address and phone number (the info on Adoption.com was out of date). So...I'm "running around", trying to verify that this is her, and I just finally called her.

She told me she'd been looking for me for YEARS, maybe even longer than I've been looking for her! She told me she's loved me all my life. It's been AMAZING!!

I feel like the whole world just opened up to me, and I can do anything! :)

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So, my first mom lives in Colorado, nearly 1000 miles from me in California, so that's disappointing, but nothing I can't deal with.

I grew up believing that I was half Hispanic, but that turns out not to be the case. My first mom had been dating a young man who was Hispanic, but it was, like many teenage relationships, tempestuous. During a time that they weren't together, she partied a little, and hooked up with a lead singer to a band. He was someone that lived in the area, and was acquaintances with my first mom's elder brother or sister, so at least he wasn't a total stranger to my first mom.

However, when it came out that my first mom was pregnant with me everyone assumed I was her regular boyfriend's child. It was far easier for her to go along with this. I think it was a case of, it was bad enough she was pregnant, but she didn't want to admit that she was off having a good time without him, especially with a long haired hippie. And since she came to live in Sacramento with her sister, who knew about her Hispanic boyfriend, my first mom had to keep the charade up. And she never told my first dad about me.

That's how I ended up as Baby Girl Williams/Hernandez.

So, I am the daughter of Mary Rue Williams and Kenneth Charles Morse.

In an effort this week to find Ken Morse, I was talking with a friend of mine who happens to live in San Diego; not too far from Vista, California. I was asking him one night this week if he would be able to find out which phone number belonged to my first dad. Well, to make a long story short, instead of using a contact that Mike had, he decided to try calling the phone numbers himself.

Now, my first mom and I had a plan; she was going to call Ken this weekend and "break the news to him". Unbeknownst to me or my first mom, that plan quickly got scrapped.

I was on line Friday and my friend Mike starts to IM me what happened. While I wasn't mad at Mike, I was really worried about what my first mom would say, how she'd react.

Essentially, what happened is Mike had just planned on calling the phone numbers and finding out if Ken Morse lived at that number (so to speak) and hang up. Well, I've since found out that Mike's little scenario was doomed to begin with. Ken's a talker! Turns out that I'm not the only child Ken has fathered that was given up for adoption, but he knew about that one. He is in contact with his other daughter, but their reunion isn't what I think Ken would like it to be, even to the point of not having a terrific response to some things, so he was a bit hesitant in talking with me.

Fortunately, Mike can be very charismatic and convinced Ken to talk to me. I was trying to stick to the plan, and was edgy until my first mom got home from work. I explained everything to her, and she said to go ahead and call Ken.

I did, and told him who my first mom is, and he remembered her.

I offered a DNA test to him. All things considering, I thought it only fair.

Last night, my first parents talked for the first time in over 40 years. They both agree that I'm their daughter, but we all think a DNA test is still a good idea. When it comes down to it, since the State of California will probably never allow me my OBC, and since Ken isn't on it, to begin with, I would really like an official piece of paper that I can point to and say that these are my first parents, and I'm their daughter.

Obviously, there is more, and I don't mind sharing, but my brain is going a bit fuzzy. The one other thing I can share is that I may have a half brother along with a half sister. Ken doesn't know for sure because the mother was a bit of a game player. If she was happy with Ken, then the boy was his son, and when she wasn't happy with him, the boy was her ex-husband's son.

With me bringing up DNA testing, Ken is getting the idea that he might want to ask Kathy and David to do a DNA test, too. I think it's a good idea over all.

One other little tid bit of information; my half sister's birthday is less than 3 months before mine. I guess daddy was a player...and being lead singer in a band really does get you laid. ;)

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An update to this post: Both David and Kathy did the DNA test. One test result was expected, the other wasn't. After Ken got the DNA test back from David, it turned out negative; that Ken wasn't David's father. Turns out Ken knew this all along (and makes me wonder why he even bothered). Apparently, when DNA tests first came along, but needing a blood sample, not a saliva sample, Ken and David decided to find out. I don't recall how long Ken knew this, but, as I said, it was no surprise to him. 

The results that were a surprise was Kathy's DNA test. Ken had been in reunion with her for many years and had no reason to believe that the test would do anything but reinforce information already known. Turns out, I'm an only child, no siblings, half or otherwise. Kathy's first mother, Barbara, lied to a whole bunch of people. She lied to her own parents, she lied to Ken, she lied to Kathy. Ken isn't Kathy's first father. The DNA test, also, came back negative. Additionally, the story of Kathy's conception was also a lie. As a young, teen aged girl, Barbara told her parents that Ken had raped her, and that was how she became pregnant. I suspect the only reason why charges weren't originally brought against Ken is the fact that Barbara's family was planning to move from Southern California back to Michigan, where the family originated from. 

I understand being a scared young girl, but the kind of grief that those two lies caused was preventable. 

I would have liked to have a sibling by blood, someone who is my peer and in generally the same generation. Even in my fantasies before finding my first family, I never thought that the 17 year old Mary Rue would probably stay with my first father, but I always wished for a brother or a sister, even if they were only half.